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Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.

In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.

*Ting-a-ling* "Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness." The candidate leaves.

The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:

*Ting-a-ling* "Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."

The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits.

"Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers."

*Ting-a-ling*

A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???" The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you." The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is." The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?" The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords." The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?" The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering." The guy says, "Dddo it!" The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!" The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!"

I hope so wait go there!

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th

Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air- conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 30th

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th

The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? Too bad it's not a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th

Fell asleep by the pool. Got third-degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th

I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th

Dry God Damn heat, my ass. Hot is hot! The home air conditioner is on the fritz, and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th

Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Fifteen hundred dollars in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th

One hundred and fifteen degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this F&%kin' state.

Aug 8th

If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to tear his F*@#king throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted F***NG Garfield!

Aug 10th

The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to f*ck for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren desert? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth

of cactus just dried up and blew into the #@*&$!% pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat. What the F*ck!?

Aug 14th

Welcome to Hell! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the #@*&$!% windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th

Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The #@*&$!% monsoon rains finally came and all they did is make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving back to California for some peace and quiet.

On the 7th day instead of resting God decided to make the most beautiful country on the planet. He decided to bestow it with abundant wildlife - mountain sheep, grizzly bears, salmon and other unique and amazing creatures. As a backdrop God decided that some of the most majestic mountains, creeks and rivers are required. He then decided that this place should be called Canada and that the people inhabiting this area should be called Canadians and be the envy of all nations on the planet earth.

At this point one of his angels asked "Don't you think you are being a bit generous to these Canadians?" To which God replied "No, you should see the neighbours I am giving them"

An American is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.

The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts a conversation:

Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread??" American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Canada, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Canadian has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"

Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big smirk.

American: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Canada.

An Oregonian, a Californian, and a Texan were out camping. They were lazing around the campfire when the Texan pulled out a bottle of tequila and after taking a couple of swallows, threw the bottle in the air, pulled out his six-shooter, and neatly shot the bottle. The Californian noted that there was still some tequila left in the bottle, but the Texan replied, 'That's okay, we have plenty of tequila where I come from.'

The Californian promptly brought out his bottle of White Zinfandel, took two swallows, threw it up in the air, and shot it with a Glock 9mm pistol with the 17-round magazine, stating: 'We have plenty of wine where I come from.'

The Oregonian took all this in and finally opened a bottle of Henry's Blue Boar Irish Ale. He downed the entire bottle, threw it up in the air, shot the Californian with a 12-guage Mossberg he kept around for the birds, and deftly caught the bottle. The Texan's jaw dropped nearly to his silver belt buckle and his eyes opened nearly as wide. The Oregonian, momentarily puzzled at the reaction, finally laughed: 'It's okay, we have plenty of Californians where I come from, BUT I can get a nickel for this bottle!'

I have just noticed this over the last couple of days.  I would get Ads popping up from Chitika that just happened to be the last thing that I searched for on google.  OK fine must be some cookie it is reading.  Then I started to get adsense doing the same thing.  I finally noticed the words have been left in the top right search box of firefox.  It does not do it each time but enough for me to worry.  I have adsense on my site so I put some sex words in there did a search then went to my site.  For some reason none of my adsense showed up.  I reloaded the page and got some generic ads. I wonder if I leave enough bad word in the box I will be ad free.