dsmCity.com

A man goes out and buys the best car available, a 1996 Turbo
BeepBeep.  It is the best and most expensive car in the world,
and it runs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and while doing so, stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks,
"What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The dude replies, "A 1996 Turbo BeepBeep.  They cost $500,000."

"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked.  "Why does it cost so
much?"

"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude
proudly.

The old man asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.  Leaning
back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all
right!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what
his car can do.  He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads
320.  Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror.  It seems
to be getting closer!  Suddenly, whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips
by him, going two, maybe three times as fast!  The guy wonders, "What on
earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?"

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.  Whooooooooooosh!  It
goes by again!  And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped!  
"Couldn't be, " thinks the guy, "How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!  Whoooooooshhhhhhhh!
K-BbbbblaMMMMM!  It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear
end.  The guy jumps out, and it is the old man!  Of course, the moped and
the old man are hurting for certain.  The guy runs up to the dying old man
and asks, "You're hurt bad!  Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man replies, "Yeah...Unhook my suspenders from the side-view
mirror on your car......."

A farmer was sitting on the front porch of his house one hot summer day, when a kid came down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.   "Hey kid!" the farmer said, "Where ya goin' with that wire?"

"Well," the kid drawled, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!'

'You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!'

'Sure I can!' the kid said, and off he went down the road.

He came back at the end of the day, and sure enough, he had a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer was sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid came down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

"Hey kid!" the farmer yelled. "Where ya goin' with that tape?"

"Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!"

"You can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

"Sure I can!" the kid said and took off down the road.

He came back at the end of the day, and again the farmer can't believe his eyes.  The kid has a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer was sitting on his porch again, and the kid came walking down the road carrying a stick.

"Hey kid!" the farmer said.  "Where ya goin' with that stick?"

"Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow."

"Hang on," the farmer said, "I'm comin' with ya."