dsmCity.com

Seems there was this nasty biker riding his hawg down the icy highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spotted a cat lying in the middle of the road. The biker thought to himself, 'I'll cut that cat in two,' and he bears down on it hard. As he got closer, he suddenly realized that it's not a cat, it's a large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plowed into it and he's sent flying over the handlebars onto the road at 80 MPH.

Well, when he arrived in Hell, who should welcome the new arrivals but the Devil himself. As the Devil shook the (ex)biker's hand, he asked mockingly, 'So, how do you like it here?'

The bad-ass biker replied, 'Man, this is one COOL place!'

The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decided to crank up the thermostat a notch.

The next day, the Devil sought out the biker and asked, 'So, how do you like it now?'

Still the bad-ass biker responded by saying, 'This is great! Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August.'

Naturally, the Devil is only more angered, and cranked the heat up as far as it can go. The next day, Hell is as hot as it gets. The Devil again asks the biker how he liked it.

Undaunted, the biker proclaimed, 'It's almost as hot as the time I beat and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!'

Now the Devil is just plain upset, so he turned the thermostat all the way down. The next morning, he found the biker again and asked, 'OK smart-arse, how do you like it NOW?'

With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker inquired, 'W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Saints f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?

Now which Country is better off.

A Cowboy said to a Rancher, 'Is that your dog?'

The Rancher replied, 'Yup.'

'Mind if I talk to him?'

'Durn fool, don't you know dogs don't talk?'

The Cowboy replied, 'So what's the harm? May I?'

'Go right ahead.' The Cowboy said to the dog, 'Howdy!'

The dog replied, 'Hello.' The Rancher's eyes pop wide.

The Cowboy continued, 'Is this your master?'

'Yep, he sure is.'

'Does he treat you alright?'

'Sure does. Every day he takes me for a walk, he feeds me all kinds of great food, and once a week he takes me to the lake to play.' Rancher was dumbfounded.

The Cowboy said to the Rancher, 'Is that your horse over there?'

'Yes.'

'Do you mind if I talk to him?'

The Rancher replied, 'I know the dog spoke to you, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk.'

'Well, then what would it hurt?'

'Go right ahead.'

The Cowboy said to the horse, 'Hello.'

The Horse replied, 'Hello.' The Rancher stood there with his jaw wide open.

The Cowboy asked, 'Is that your owner?'

'Yup, sure is.'

'He treat you okay?'

'Sure, he rides me every day, brushes me down at the end of the day, and he keeps me in the barn away from the elements.'

'Sounds good.' The Cowboy then asked the Rancher, 'Are those your sheep over there?'

The Rancher is horrified and stammers, 'Them sheep out there, they're nothing but a bunch of liars!'

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger... In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your FIRST request???"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your SECOND request???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request???"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse. Alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen Very Carefully!!!! FOR... THE... LAST... TIME... I SAID... 'BRING POSSE'"

Three cowboys were on their way home after herding a group of cattle to a ranch. On the way, they came across a sheep with it's head stuck in a fence. one man said, "Man, I'm gonna get some of this."

He began to screw the sheep. He asked if another man wanted to get some, and one of them said yes and he started screwing it.

After he got done, he asked the last man if he wanted some. the man said sure and stuck his head in the fence.

Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero. One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and two pistols. He went home and every day he went out behind his barn, and practiced shooting.

After two weeks he was getting to be quite a good shot. He decided it was time to show off. He put on his black clothes and hat, strapped on his guns and rode into town. When he walked into the saloon, standing at the bar he saw Billy the Kidd. He was so excited! He walked up and said, "Mr. Kidd, I am your biggest fan. I have always wanted to be just like you. Look at me. Do I look like a gunfighter?"

Billy looked him over and said, "Well, you have the right clothes and you have a nice black hat, and I see you rode up on a black horse. But, can you shoot?"

Marvin looked around the room and said, "See that piano player over there?" He drew his pistol and fired, shooting the cufflink off the piano player's shirt. Billy said, "Not bad. Can you shoot with your left hand? A gunfighter's got to be able to shoot with both hands."

Marvin drew his other pistol and fired, shooting off the piano player's other cufflink. Billy said, "That's mighty fine shooting. I just have one piece of advice for you."

Marvin was bubbling with excitement, "What is it? What else should I do?" Billy spoke slowly, "Well, go back into the kitchen there and get a big tub of lard. Take both of your pistols and rub them around in the lard, get them good and slick." Marvin was puzzled. He asked, "Why is that important? What good will rubbing my pistols in lard do?"

Billy replied, "It won't help your shooting at all, but when Wyatt Earp finishes playing the piano over there he's going to shove both of your pistols up your ass."

Don't mess with me!  I will send the BIRDS

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, 'It's a lot of money!'

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into thepresident's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, '$165,000!' and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, 'Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?'

The old lady replied, 'I make bets.' The president then asked, 'Bets? What kind of bets?' The old woman said, 'Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.'

'Ha!' laughed the president, 'That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!' The old lady challenged, 'So, would you like to take my bet?'

'Sure,' said the president, 'I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!' The little old lady then said, 'Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?' 'Sure!' replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: '$25,000 says the president's balls are square!'

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

'Well, Okay,' said the president, '$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.' Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, 'What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?'

She replied, 'Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand.'

An old lady in a nursing home is speeding up and down the hall in a wheelchair, making noises like she is driving a car.

As she is going down the hall, and old man jumps out of his room and says. "Excuse me ma'am, you are speeding. Can I see your drivers license?"

She digs around in her pocketbook and pulls out a candy wrapper. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the hall she speeds again. The same man jumps out of his rooms and says, "Excuse me ma'am, but you crossed over the white line. Can I see your registration?" She digs through her pocketbook again and she pulls out an old receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off. Up and down the hall, weaving in and out. This time, the same man jumps out of his room. He is stark naked and has an erection!

The old lady in the wheelchair looked up at him and said, "Oh no, not the Breathalyzer again!"