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500 Million Seconds get real

500 / 60 Sec = I can't THINK

A Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question:

Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program ?

UNIX Consultant: Yes, that's correct.

Customer: No, what is it ?

UNIX Consultant: Yes.

Customer: So, which is the one ?

UNIX Consultant: No. 'which' is used to find the program.

Customer: Stop this. Who are you ?

UNIX Consultant: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to get information about yoo'.

Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code ?

UNIX Consultant: Use 'what'.

Customer: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true ?

UNIX Consultant: No. 'true' gives you 0.

Customer: Which one ?

UNIX Consultant: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'

Customer: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?

UNIX Consultant: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to get the revision code.

Customer: I want to find the revision code.

UNIX Consultant: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.

Customer: Which command will do what I need?

UNIX Consultant: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.

Customer: I think I understand. Let me write that.

UNIX Consultant: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.

Customer: Write what?

UNIX Consultant: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.

Customer: Cut that out!

UNIX Consultant: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.

Customer: Do you always do this ?

UNIX Consultant: 'du' will give you disk usage.

Customer: HELP!

UNIX Consultant: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).

Customer: You make me angry.

UNIX Consultant: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when I was upset once.

Customer: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.

UNIX Consultant: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has 'more'.

Customer: Nice help! I'm confused more now!

UNIX Consultant: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.

Customer: This is almost as confusing as my PC.

UNIX Consultant: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team.

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."

Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."

This year we need your support. Or a visit from Obama Support.

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. ''So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?'' They ask.

''It's pretty nice,'' she replies. ''Except they won't let you fart''

Grand pa and grand ma were sitting on the porch rocking one day, when grand ma looked over at grand pa and slapped him up side the head.

Grand pa shook the cobwebs out of his head and said " Ma , what was that for?, Grand ma looked at grand pa and told him " That's for having a small dick!"

Grand pa nodded his head in disgrace. Then he stood up and knocked the hell out of grand ma. She picked herself up from the floor , set up her rocking chair, looked at grand pa with a shocked look and said "Pa , what was that for?"

Pa stood up and said " THAT'S FOR KNOWING THE DIFFERENCE ! "

I would have to Ditch him later.

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The Doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."